COMPUTER HUMOR

Maxims for the Internet age
Home is where you hang your @.
The eMail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
You can't teach an old mouse new clicks.
Great groups from little icons grow.
Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
C:\ is the root of all directories.
Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
The modem is the message.
Too many clicks spoil the browse.
A chat has nine lies.
Don't byte off more than you can view.
Fax is stranger than fiction.
What boots up must come down.
Will Windows ever cease?
Virtual reality is its own reward.
Modulation in all things.
A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
There's no place like: http//www.home.com.
Know what to expect before you connect.
Oh what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use
the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
Who said, "they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer...."
UNIX, that is .... CRTs.... Workstations....
Well the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an engineer,
The kinfolk said "Jed, move away from here".
"Arizona is the place ya oughta be"
So he bought some donuts and he moved to Ahwatukee...
Intel that is ..... dry heat.... no amusement parks....
On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube.
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube.
They said "your project's late, but we know just what to do.
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"
OT, that is.... unpaid.... mandatory....
The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad.
Schedules started slipping and managers gettin' mad.
They called another meeting and decided on a fix.
The answer was simple... "We'll work him sixty-six!"
Tired, that is.... stressed out.... no social life....
Months turned to years and his hair was turning grey.
Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away.
Waiting to retire when he turned 64,
Instead he got a call and was escorted out the door.
Laid off, that is.... de-briefed.... unemployed....
Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told,
Companies will use you and discard you when you're old.
So gather up your friends and start your own firm,
Beat the competition, watch your bosses squirm.
Mllionaires, that is.... Bill Gates.... Steve Jobs....
Y'all come back now... ya hear......

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Subject: Another one from Microsoft?

Contraceptive 98

Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every
aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a
suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex.  Microsoft
has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play.
It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in
penetrating the copulation enhancement market.  The product addresses
two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need
for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings.
The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products:
Condom98;  DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec); and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities).
A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package.  The
suite also comes in two expanded versions.  Contraceptive98 Professional
is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services
sector.  Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for
startups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.
While Contraceptive98 does not address nontraditional copulatory
channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year.  They will be known
as BackDoor, AuraLee, TitElation, and JerkOff.
OPERATION:  Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install
the package.  At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum
hardware.  If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and
is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements.
After installation, operation commences.  One caution is that the user
must have sufficient RAM to complete the session.  When the session is
complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, it
is now safe to turn off your partner.
DRAWBACKS:  Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major
concern during beta testing.  General Protection Fault was the most
serious error encountered.  Early versions had numerous bugs, but most
of these have been eliminated.  The product  needs to be installed each
time its used.
CONCLUSION: Contraceptive98 is a robust product.  Despite its drawbacks,
it is a reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far
superior to its shareware version.  Hopefully, future releases (of the
software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and
Restore, Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera.  Microsoft
CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive98's potential.
He recently said, "Our contraceptive products will help users do to each
other what we've been doing to our customers for years
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You Might be Working for a Defense Company if:

1. You write your personal letters in vu-graph format.
 2. You use bullet format to make your grocery list.
 3. You sat at the same desk for 3 years and worked for 3 different
companies.
 4. Your company welcome sign is attached with velcro strips.
 5. You are on a first name basis at your local unemployment office.
 6. Your resume is on a diskette in your back pocket.
 7. "Everything I needed to know I learned in Kindergarten" really
applies.
 8. Your company name on your badge is applied with scotch tape.
 9. You have no concept of time or date.
 10. The sun is something you read about.
 11. You have to call home to check the weather.
 12. When the main topic of conversation is where the next job is or
 who is being laid off.
 13. Rumors, Rumors, Rumors.
 14. All your friends who went to business school have their own window
 office and secretary, and still make twice as much as you do.
 15. If you say "If I tell, I'd have to shoot you" when asked about
 what you do at work.
 16. When you get excited about a 3% raise.
 17. You can neither "confirm nor deny" what you are working on.
 18. You refer to your marriage as a "teaming" arrangement.
 19. You learn about your layoff on WABC radio.
<><><><><><>
COMPUTER TERMS DEFINITIONS
Alpha.
Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user
feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."
Beta.
Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is
Latin for "still doesn't work."
Computer.
Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger
"Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolf
Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his
invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On April 8,
1945, Adolf became so enraged at the "Incompatible File Format" error
message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler's death,
and Duffy began working for IBM.
CPU.
Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer's engine. It consists
of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that's
powered by a running rodent - a gerbil if the machine is a 286, a
ferret if it's a 386 and a ferret on speed if it's a 486.
Default Directory.
Black hole. Default directory is where all files that you need disappear to.
Error message.
Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for
the program's shortcomings.
File.
A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps
to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet - except when
you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock
and tells you the file format is unknown.
Hardware.
Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or
battered.
Help.
The feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help
feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series
of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning
anything.
Input/Output.
Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data and output
to the printer as unrecognizable junk.
Interim Release.
A programmer's feeble attempt at repentance.
Memory.
Of computer components, the most generous in terms of variety, and the
skimpiest in terms of quantity.
Printer.
A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts: the case,
the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
Programmers.
Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who
wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized
Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create "user-friendly"
software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.
Reference Manual.
Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate
for that short table leg.
Scheduled Release Date.
A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual
shipping date and subtracting six months from it.
User-Friendly.
Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept that makes perfect
sense to a programmer.
Users.
Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor. Users are
divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.
1. Novice Users. People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might
break their computer.
2. Intermediate Users. People who don't know how to fix their computer
after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
3. Expert Users. People who break other people's computers.
Technical Support (aka Customer Service)
A usually busy or non-working phone number you call so that you can pay
to have an incompetent individual provide a meaningless answer to a
computer problem that you shouldn't have experienced in the first place.
+++++++++++++++++

PEB-CAK
"Problem exist Between Chair and Keyboard."
Techies are a frustrated, often arrogant lot.
        They've submitted numerous acronyms and terms that poke
        fun at the clueless users who call them up with frighteningly
          stupid questions.  Another variation on the above is
            ID10T: "This guy has an ID-Ten-T on his system."

   Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap
out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 )))))_(((((

 ADAM AND EVE VIRUS:
Takes a couple bytes out of your Apple.
AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS:
You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGAR VIRUS:
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
BOBBITT VIRUS:
Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. (But
that part
will never work again.)
BOB DOLE VIRUS:
Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be much of a
threat.
COLIN POWELL VIRUS:
Makes its presence known, but doesn't do anything. Secretly, you
wish
it would.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS:
Your computer locks up and the screen splits in  half with the
same message
appearing on both sides. The message says that the blame for
gridlock is
caused by the other side.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS:
Their is sumthing rong with yor komputer, but ewe cant figyour
outt watt!
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS:
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of
which does
practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most
important
part of your computer.
FREUDIAN VIRUS:
Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
GALLUP VIRUS:
60% of the PC's infected will lose 30% of their data 14% of the
time (plus
or minus a 3.5% margin of error).
HEALTH CARE VIRUS:
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a
bill
for $4,500.
HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS:
Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later, in
another
directory.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS:
Your programs can never be found again.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS:
Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
MONICA LEWINSKY VIRUS
Eats your hard disk.
NIKE VIRUS:
Just does it.
O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS:
You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't
prove it.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS:
Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS:
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly
expands back
to 200MB.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS:
This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of
impending
hard disk attack:
Once, if by LAN; twice if by C:
PBS VIRUS:
Your program stops every few minutes to ask for money.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS:
Never identifies itself as a "virus," but instead refers to
itself as an
"electronic micro-organism".
STAR TREK VIRUS:
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
TEXAS VIRUS:
Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
***********
 Eerie news about Bill Gates and Microsoft.
 Since we're all using MICROSOFT products here, I thought I'd just let
 you know these facts... Do you know that Bill gates' REAL name is
 William Henry Gates III? Nowadays, he is known as Bill Gates (III)
 where III means the order of third (3rd).
> >< <
 So, what's so eerie about this name?
> >< <
 OK, if you take all the letters in Bill Gates III and then convert it
 in ASCII code (American standard code for information interchange)
 and then ADD up all the numbers...you will get 666, which is the
 number
 of the beast!!!
> >< <
 B66
 I73
 L76
 L76
 G71
 A65
 T84
 E69
 S83
  I1
  I1
  I1
 666 !!!! THE NUMBER OF THE DEVIL........
> >< <
 Coincidence?
> >< <
 Maybe, but take WINDOWS 95 and do the SAME procedure and you will get
 666 too !!! And the same goes for MS-DOS 6.31!!!
< <> >
 Are you sure this is not a Coincidence?  You decide....
   < <> >
 MS-DOS 6.21
 77+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49 = 666
> >< <
> > WINDOWS 95
 87+73+78+68+79+87+83+57+53+1= 666
> >< <
 Okay now for the good part!!!!!!
> >< <
 For those of you who still have the OLD xcel 95 (not office 97) try
 this out:
 1. Open a new file.
 2. Scroll down until you see row 95.
 3. Click on the row 95 button, this highlights the whole row
 4. Press tab, to move to the second column.
 5. Now, move your mouse and click on help THEN about Microsoft excel
 6. Press ctrl-alt-shift and click on the tech support button
    simultaneously.
 7. A WINDOW WILL APPEAR, TITLE : THE HALL OF TORTURED SOULS.
 This is really eerie okay...it has a doom style format and you can
 walk all around the hall (use your arrow keys)...and on the sides of the
 walls are the names of the tortured souls....
 8. NOW WALK UP THE STAIRS AND THEN COME BACK DOWN, FACE THE BLANK WALL
    AND THEN TYPE IN EXCELKFA. This will open the blank wall to reveal
    another secret passage, walk through the passage and DO NOT fall
 off (this is the hard part!), when you get to the end, you will see
 something really really eerie....
 At this point of time, countless witnesses all over the world have
 verified that it is a real eye opener.  It could be a joke by MS
 programmers or is it?......
 Wouldn't be surprise if Bill Gates was "The Antichrist", after all it
 was already foretold in the Bible that someone powerful would rise up
 and lead the world to destruction.
 And Bill Gates definitely have that kind of power in his hands. More
 than 80% of the world's computers run on Windows and DOS (including
 those at Pentagon!)  If all his products have some kind of small
 program
 embedded (like this Hall of Tortured Souls) that can give him control,
 setting off nuclear arsenals, creating havoc in security systems,
 financial systems all over the world, etc......All from his
 headquarters
 isn't  a  far off  reality!  Just using Internet.  Explorer may just allow
 him to map out what you have on your computer bit by bit each time you
 log on.
 Perhaps the end times are near and this is just a tip of the iceberg!?
 Quote from the Bible
 "He also forced everyone, small and great, rich and poor, free and
 slave, to receive a mark on his right hand or on his forehead, so
 that no one could buy or sell unless he had the mark, which is the
 name of the beast or the number of his name. This calls for wisdom.
 If anyone has insight, let him calculate the number of the beast,
 for it is man's number.  His number is 666."...Revelations 13:16-18.
 See....  It is something for you to think about....if the Bible, in
 the Book of Revelation says that without the sign of the beast one
 would not be able to buy, sell, do business transactions, etc. then.
 My question to you now is this.....

 Is Internet now a necessity in doing business? The Internet also
 bears the sign... Note that the Internet is also commonly known as the
 World Wide Web or WWW...One other way we write W is  V/(VI) so ......
 W W W = VI VI VI = 6 6 6
 This gives me something to ponder upon... Isn't everything going
 towards the Internet? (i.e., buying/selling goods, business
 transactions) Isn't Microsoft always on the move to have a monopoly
 when it comes to software technology? And now the Internet?
 Revelation also says that the mark of the beast will be carried on
 one's Hand and one's forehead.....
 If the Internet would indeed be the sign of the beast aren't we all
 starting to carry it on our hands and foreheads??? Screens
 (forehead) and make use of the mouse (hand)???  Are things finally
 falling into place or are we just letting our imagination run???
 Remember, the devil came to cheat, steal, and to destroy ....... so be
 VIGILANT  about Bill Gates and Microsoft.
 "To agree or to not agree with the WWW or the Beast", is not the
 question.  What if the WWW is the 666?  Or Bill Gates be the Beast?
 What will you do??  Cancel subscriptions to the Internet?  Resign
 from Microsoft?  Set out a campaign against Bill Gates in the
 Internet?
 Shut down all Windows 95 forever?  It will not do you any
 good...think about all this and pray, pray really hard, or else
*******
   Remember when....
 A computer was something on TV
 From a science fiction show
 A window was something you hated to clean....
 And RAM was the cousin of a goat.....
 Meg was the name of my girlfriend
 And Gig was your middle finger upright
 Now they all mean different things
 And that really mega bytes
 An application was for employment
 A program was a TV show
 A cursor used profanity
 A keyboard was a piano
 Memory was something that you lost with age
 A CD was a bank account
 And if you had a 3 1/2' floppy
 You hoped nobody found out
 Compress was something you did to the garbage
 Not something you did to a file
 And if you unzipped anything in public
 You'd be in jail for a while
 Log on was adding wood to the fire
 Hard drive was a long trip on the road
 A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
 And a backup happened to your commode
 Cut you did with a pocket knife
 Paste you did with glue
 A web was a spider's home
 And a virus was the flu
  I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
 And the memory in my head
 I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
 But when it happens they wish they were dead

=====
How To Install Software -- A 12-Step Program
1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that
explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software.

It should look something like this:
         SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
         2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
         628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
         719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
         3546 MB RAM
         432323 MB ROM
         05948737 MB RPM
         ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
         2 TURTLE DOVES
         NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.
2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain
detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the
software. Throw it away.
3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a
3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that
says:
LICENSING AGREEMENT:
By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the
terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as
well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret
Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such
other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company
shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the
user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's
underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us
part, one nation indivisible by the dawn's early light, ..., finders
keepers, losers weepers, ...
4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of
child), please install this on my computer."
5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the
appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.
7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the
following message should appear on your screen:
The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be
the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you? Choose one, and be
honest:
                         +-------+      +--------+
                         |  YES  |      |  SURE  |
                         +-------+      +--------+
9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a
very long time while the installation program does who knows what in there.
Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that
when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new
device, such as a food processor.
At the very least, the installation program will create many new
directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and
fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe",
"fester.dat", and "doo.wha."
10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should display
the following message:
CONGRATULATIONS
The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your
computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software.
If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of
breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately
*!@!$)$%@&*^^)$*!#$_$*^^&
11. At this point your computer system should become less functional than
the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.
12. Call the toll-free Tech Support Hotline # listed on the package and
wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear,
step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.

  ******
INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so, you agree to accept
and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else
a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of
Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your
dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the over. Set the
oven using these keystrokes: <mstv.dinn.//08/.5min@50%heat//> Then enter:
<ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy/yum~ym:-) gohot#cookme.>
(If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will
set itself and cook the dinner. If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner,
enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the
weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The
oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your
specification.)
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven
must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the
oven and enter <ms.nodamn.good/tryagain/again/again.crap> This process may
have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold
reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than
the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are
empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in
your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment.
Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken
variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft
Help and they will explain that you really don't want another
variety--Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.
Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of its
chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size.
Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in
Microsoft approved packaging.
Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that
version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in